coping with Overwhelming thoughts and feelings about your loved one’s drinking or drug use: dropping anchor
What is it and how can it help?
Dropping anchor is a useful mindfulness technique for riding an emotional storm. When a ship is caught up in a storm, nothing can be done to stop the storm, but if the ship drops anchor, it is stable enough that it won't get swept away by the storm.
Similarly, when we are caught up in an ‘emotional storm’ and feeling overwhelmed, we can ‘drop an anchor’ and observe the emotional storm from a grounded position. It will eventually pass, and we can choose our next steps.
When you are affected by a loved one’s drinking or drug use, many things can contribute to an emotional storm and make the waves grow bigger. These include worries about your loved one’s safety, financial concerns, relationship difficulties, or lack of sleep.
How to do it?
It’s time to drop anchor. Dropping anchor was developed by Dr Russ Harris (author and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy trainer) and can be done in 3 steps:
ACE (Acknowledge, Connect, Engage).
Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings.
Wh kind curiosity, see if you can notice your current thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Silently acknowledge and label whatever you notice. E.g. “I’m worried” “I feel angry” “I feel tense” or “I’m beating myself up” etc.Connect with your body.
Gently move a part of your body. There are lots of ways to do this. Here are some examples but find a way that feels right for you.slowly press your finger and thumb together
push your heel into the floor
shrug your shoulders
wiggle your toes
You are not trying to distract yourself. Acknowledge your difficult thoughts and feelings at the same time as connecting with your body.
Engage with your surroundings. Reconnect with where you are and what you are doing. Notice what you can see around you e.g. shapes, colours, objects, and notice what you can hear, feel, smell and taste.
This exercise often feels strange at first! Just like any other skill, it takes practice. With practice, it can become a skill that can help you to feel less overwhelmed, more engaged in what you are doing, and more in control of your response to difficult feelings. Just as you wouldn't learn to swim by diving straight into the deep end, it’s best to practice dropping anchor when you are not feeling overwhelmed so you’re more likely to remember to put it into practice when you are.
Help! What to do if dropping anchor doesn't work?
Firstly, it’s a good idea to reflect on your expectations. It could be that you are expecting this practice to do something it can’t do. E.g. expecting it to make you feel better straight away by switching off your unpleasant thoughts and feelings. It may take some time for the emotional storm to pass.
A common mistake people make is trying to use dropping anchor as a distraction exercise/a way to avoid emotions. It’s natural to want unpleasant feelings to go away! but this is the opposite of what this exercise is trying to achieve. By expanding your awareness, you are acknowledging that at the same time as feeling all of these difficult emotions there are also other things going on in this moment. Remember that the anchor doesn’t get rid of the emotional storm. It allows us to remain grounded whilst the storm is happening so we can engage meaningfully with the world around us.
We start by acknowledging the ‘storm’ (all the unpleasant, feelings, thoughts, or memories popping up). Once we have acknowledged it, we anchor/ground ourselves and wait for the storm to pass by connecting with our body, being present and engaged with where we are, what we are doing, and what we are experiencing.
Dr Fiona Dowman, Clinical Psychologist
I often use this technique (and similar ones) in therapy with people who are struggling with their loved one’s drinking or drug use. You can learn more about my therapy services HERE.
If you would like to practice this skill, you can listen to a free audio recording by Russ Harris here:
