My Partner is an Alcoholic: Emotional Survival Guide
It's like your partner has two different personalities. The person you got into a relationship with and the person they become when they have been drinking alcohol. You're constantly walking on eggshells not knowing what version you're going to get! When you speak to them about it they have forgotten what they were like when they were drinking or they apologise only to act that way again the next time they drink. You're tired of your partner constantly letting you down, and breaking promises, secrets, lies and hiding their drinking or their whereabouts. You are feeling overwhelmed by the stress and uncertainty.
Whether your alcoholic partner has recently started drinking too much or has had problems with alcohol for a long time, It’s likely to take its toll on your wellbeing.
You might be questioning whether to stay in your relationship and perhaps feeling guilty for having those thoughts.
Having a partner with an alcohol problem is extremely challenging and complex, fuelled by a range of emotions and uncertainty. If your partner doesn't want to give up drinking it can leave you feeling stuck. Developing coping mechanisms can help you navigate the day-to-day challenges and protect your own mental health and well-being to reduce the risk of becoming overwhelmed and burnt out.
It’s not uncommon to experience a range of emotions, such as frustration, anger, anxiety, confusion, embarrassment and helplessness. Too many to cover each one in detail here but I will highlight a few. Emotions communicate to us about what we need and what is important to us and guide our actions. When we understand the message our emotions are communicating to us we can respond in a helpful way.
Self-compassion is essential
Before I dive into emotions, a quick note on self-compassion. Not only has research found self-compassion to be the antidote to shame and self-criticism, it also helps with depression and anxiety. This is because compassion activates the soothing part of the brain. Self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would treat someone you care about and responding to your own needs.
Anxiety
Does this sound familiar? Being on edge, worrying about whether your partner has been drinking, if they are ok, what time they will be coming home. You might recognise anxiety as that feeling in the pit of your stomach, racing heart, feeling nauseous, and being worried. Anxiety is unpleasant but it's an important emotion because it helps to alert us to potential danger so we can protect ourselves. From an evolutionary perspective, it makes sense that your mind and body respond in this way when you are concerned about your partner’s drinking to prepare you for fight or flight. However, anxiety can get in the way of work, sleep, friendships and everyday tasks.
Anger
This is another threat-based emotion, important for survival. It is characterised by angry thoughts and bodily sensations such as feeling tense, hot, or a racing heart. Anger tells us that something we want is being blocked or that our values are being violated and motivates our behaviour towards trying to fix what isn’t right. For example, you might be angry about the impact of your partner’s drinking on your family, because you can’t make plans anymore or spend time together like you used to, and this feels unfair. Often people believe that feeling angry means they are a violent or aggressive person. However, feeling angry does not have to result in aggression because we can decide how we respond.
How to cope?
It’s hard to escape anxiety or anger if the situation that’s triggering it remains the same. However, we can learn to manage anxiety and anger so it doesn't have such a negative impact on us.
Triggers: whilst it might not be possible to change your situation, you might be able to temporarily distance yourself from the situation that is triggering anxiety or anger. E.g. by spending some time apart from your alcoholic partner.
Notice your thoughts: pause and take the time to notice what you are thinking about. If you are getting caught up in negative thoughts and worries try to shift your attention and focus on something else.
Be mindful of the 5 senses: focussing your attention on what you can see, feel, hear, taste and smell in the here and now can be a good way to fully engage with what you are doing right now.
Relaxation exercises can help to soothe the threat system by activating the soothing system in the brain. You can find tips to help you relax here.
Depression
You might recognise depression if you are feeling down or hopeless, thinking that the future you had hoped for is fading away, sleepless nights, poor appetite or overeating. You may have noticed you are being self-critical (especially if your partner has blamed you for their drinking) and lack of motivation and losing interest in things.
How to cope?
Reduce isolation: The more isolated you are, the more you will lack motivation, ruminate on negative thoughts and feel down. This is a vicious cycle.
Support network: having a partner with a drinking problem can be isolating and isolation is not good for our mental health. You might find it hard to socialise outside of your relationship because you feel embarrassed or judged by others or you think you are burdening others. If there isn't anyone in your life you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with, consider joining a group for people in the same boat. E.g. Smart Recovery or Al-Anon.
If you want to take your mind off your partner's drinking for a little while, you could socialise with other people without having to talk about alcohol. E.g. through a hobby or interest that involves other people.
Small manageable goals: set yourself small, achievable tasks and try to engage in a balance of activities that you enjoy and that give you a sense of achievement.
Therapy
Therapy provides an opportunity to process your feelings, develop coping strategies, and improve your self-care and wellbeing.
When your mental health difficulties such as depression and anxiety are related to your relationship with someone who has a problem with alcohol, it can help to speak to a therapist with experience in addictions.
Getting help for yourself can improve your ability to support your loved one and research has found that loved ones can improve outcomes for people in recovery for alcohol problems. However, regardless of whether or not someone is receiving support for their drinking, their loved ones are individuals who are affected and deserve to receive support in their own right.
Dr Fiona Dowman (Clinical Psychologist)
This blog post is not a replacement for individualised professional advice. If you need help in a crisis click here.
If you are struggling with the emotional impact of your loved one’s drinking, I can help. I provide therapy for people affected by their loved one's drinking or drug use. Contact me (Dr Fiona Dowman) or Book a free intro call now.
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